


Shit O'Clock

by hollydermovoi



Series: BAMF Darcy Lewis [1]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: But she also has issues, Darcy is a bamf, De-aging, F/F, F/M, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Panic Attacks, Very open endings, You Have Been Warned, and Clint has problems with that, major issues pertaining to how she copes with illness, mentions of magic and Science!, phil isn't dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-05
Updated: 2013-08-07
Packaged: 2017-12-22 11:42:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/912797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hollydermovoi/pseuds/hollydermovoi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>5 times where Darcy took it upon herself to comfort an Avenger at Shit O'Clock in the morning, and one time they take it upon themselves to comfort her</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Thor

Thor, the mighty son of Odin and Frigga was worried about his mortal love, the Lady Jane. Verily, he had never before seen her so upset. Since the defeat of the Chitauri and the gain of new shield brothers and sisters, he'd been living under the fair hospitality of Brother Anthony, who had welcomed him and Jane with open arms. He and Brother Bruce worked with Jane to repair the Bifrost to increase his and his fellow Asgardians ease of access. He knew the work was oft frustrating, and that she often became so enthralled with her work that she neglected all else. The Lady Darcy had given him the impression that it was the duty of the assistant to ensure Jane's continued well being, as she got more work done when she was well rested and had eaten recently. He'd tried to broach the subject with the assistant Friend Jordan, only to be rudely dismissed, as the assistant insisted he had it all under control.

Thor hated to make allegations against a man's honor, but it seemed that Friend Jordan had done him a huge disservice and had told him a lie. He watched as his love became more frazzled with stress and more infuriated with her inability to solve the problem presented to her. He'd tried to persuade her away with the promise of love making, but had found that such action only seemed to feed her ire. He was at an utter loss.

And then an idea came to him, one quite worthy of praise. 

"Friend JARVIS!" he boomed. "It would most please me if you were to contact the Lady Darcy for me!"

"Certainly M'Lord. May I point out that currently Ms. Lewis is in California, and you will be calling her at 2 a.m?"

"Nonsense Friend JARVIS! The Lady Darcy has oft remarked that she is up at all hours for her friends!"

"Very well M'Lord."

There was a slight pause before a groggy voice sounded "H'llo?"

"Friend Darcy! How fare thee this morn?"

" _Thor?_ Shit...What the fuck time is it?"

"Friend JARVIS tells me that is presently 2 a.m. in your location!" he proclaimed

'Why the _hell_ are you calling me at Shit O'Clock in the morning Thor?"

Thor was confused. Had he not just assured her it was 2 a.m? He did not know what this Shit O'Clock in the morning was, but he knew enough to gleam that she would not appreciate his query for lessons on Midgardian vernacular at this hour. So he pulled on his lessons in diplomacy- which he'd revisited after he'd seen how disastrous a result not heading those lessons had produced on his final trip to Jotunheim with Loki had been.

"I call not for myself, Friend Darcy, but rather for my love, the Lady Jane."

"What's wrong?" she said, sounding far less annoyed and more concerned. He explained and listened as she swore colorfully "Shit, fuck and a mother of a duck, it is too early for this shit, OK, listen, here's what we're gonna do- I haven't found a job yet, so I'll beg some money from my stepfather and get on a flight to New York as soon as I can get the money together-" 

"Not necessary," came Brother Tony's voice over the intercom, "I'll fly you in _myself_ if you can guarantee that whatever you're gonna do with Jane will make her stop going after my bots with a screwdriver."

"Done," she answered immediately."If I can ask, why-"

"Because JARVIS alerted me to Thor's heartwarming plea for help and your immediate move to help, which means that you are _definitely_ in my good books missy. May I offer you a place to stay?"

Thor tuned out the rest of the conversation, comfortable with the knowledge that Lady Darcy would be here shortly and would be able to help his Lady Jane. And less than eight hours she staggered through the doors of his beloved's lab and took charge. 

"You!" she shouted at Friend Jordan "Get out, you're a _disgrace_ letting them stew in their own filth like this. What is _wrong_ with you?" Friend Jordan fled, face beet red with shame. Thor did not regret his absence.

"Jane my friend, you _reek._ Shower." 

"Darcy, I've _almost_ got this figured out."

" _Shower._ "

He watched, amused, as his love left without any further fuss. He was about to follow her, but some instinct told him to hold his ground, so he did. He was rewarded for this patience when Darcy walked up to Brother Bruce, waited until he was making notations and not holding any samples before smacking soundly on the ass. He jumped with a startled sound and rounded on her, eyes wide with shock. 

"You know I'm the _Hulk_ right?"

"I know I was woken at Shit O'Clock in the morning to come and take care of _one_ crazed science, only to find that there were _three_ of them in need of care. I also know that you _stink_. None of this shits gonna explode right?"

"No, but-"

"But nothing. Shower. Bed. _Now._ "

Friend Bruce went as Tony was chuckling. Darcy rounded at him. "Mr. Stark, I _promise_ your bots will be here, healthy and whole in the morning. Bed. Shower. Go" She pushed him towards the door and he turned to her with a fatigued grin.

"I like you. You are _so_ hired."

"Hire me in the morning, after you _shower_ and get some sleep Princess." Friend Tony went, and Thor waited for Lady Darcy to go as well, but she turned to him with a tired smile. "Go to Jane, Thor."

'What about you Lady Darcy?"

"Me? I'm gonna clean this shit up."

That's when he knew calling her, even if it had been at Shit O'Clock in the morning (which he figured was more a commentary on how early it was rather than a reference to an actual time), had been a _very_ good idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's assume Tony had a Jet near to Darcy's location that was fueled and ready to go OK?


	2. Tony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Thor called her at 2 am, she arrived at 9

Darcy cleaned the lab to the best of her ability without disturbing any of their experiments. She even went so far as to organize their notes, making sure to leave a very thorough explanation of her filing system for the two scientists who did not have previous experience with it.

It took her an exhausting three hours to get that much done, and all she wanted to do was crawl into the bed Tony had provided her and sleep. Prior experience with jet lag had taught her that falling asleep before 8 p.m. at least would just make her exhaustion worse, so she made herself comfortable in her new suite, unpacked all of the stuff she'd stuffed in her suitcase (and she'd been told that Tony would arrange for her other stuff to be delivered) and put on Chopped, egging contestants on and planning what she'd do with the special ingredients and course if she were on the show. She was in the middle of trying to figure out what kind of dessert she'd make using Licorice and Rattlesnake when her phone rang. Hitting pause she answered. 

"Hello?"

"Is this Ms. Darcy Lewis?" asked a cultured female voice and she straightened self consciously.

"Speaking."

"Ms. Lewis, this is Pepper Potts, and I'd like to offer you the job as Tony's assistant."

The conversation that followed that statement led to Darcy agreeing to meet Pepper at a spa for a girls day on Tony's dime, and a review of a job contract for the next day. 

*

She'd gotten a job as an assistant for one of the world's richest bachelors, the Hulk and Jane. Her job provided a _very_ generous salary (which she was assured she would earn, and that it was subject to raises every quarter or when Tony felt like it), health care and dental, and she was over the moon. There was only one problem. She'd been here three days, and she hadn't seen hide or hair of any of the scientists.

This all changed one night at three a.m. when she couldn't sleep and she was playing Naruto on the Playstation 2 in the lounge near the labs. One second she was using Hinata to kick Jiraiya's ass (ah the irony) and next Tony was sitting next to her, holding a controller. "Mind if I join you?" he mumbled.

Clearly something was wrong, but she didn't know him as well as she did Jane, so she couldn't ask him what it was outright. Video games were terrific icebreakers though. "Of course not. Just give me a minute." Within ten minutes, she successfully used Byakugan to kick Jiraiya's sexist ass, and waited patiently for Tony to set up his controller and choose his character. They fought a couple rounds in silence, Tony winning just a few more rounds than her (and really what had she expected?). It was during a fight between her fighting as Shino and him fighting as Tenten that he choose to start talking.

"Lewis, I have found myself at a loss."

"Why don't you tell me what's up?" she said carefully, before using the special bug attack, and chuckling as he swore profusely. He retaliated by calling on Neji for aid and they returned to competitive silence. She was certain that was all he was going to say, but he brought up the conversation again as she was fighting as Tsunade and he was fighting as Orochimaro.

"Lewis, I have a bit of a _reputation_ as a playboy. And I have thoroughly fucked up my relationship with Pepper, practically disintergrated our friendship in the process, and it took a while for me to heal. I, uh... I wanna date Bruce. But I _can't_ ruin our relationship, I just _can't._ He's the only friend I have who doesn't _expect_ something from me y'know."

OK, this was clearly not a discussion they should be having over Naruto, so she hit pause. When Tony made eye contact with her, she smiled her warmest smile and took a deep breath.

It was _so_ too damn early for an insecurity crisis, but she'd dealt with worse after Thor left for Asgard the first time. She could help him, she was sure of it

"Look at me Princess, and see how fucking serious I am. _Keep doing what you've been doing._ Do y'know what he did after I slapped his ass? He sent me a fucking thank you letter. He _craves_ to be treated normally, and I _know_ you are fully capable of doing that. Put on your most Science-y attire and ask him out. Use the pythagorean theorem or something." Tony made a garbled noise that was somewhere between a laugh and a sob which she steadfastly ignored. "Actually, scratch that. Just ask him out like you'd _normally_ ask someone out, and if you need a baseline for normal, feel free to ask me for an opinion." With a hopefully courage inspiring grin she resumed play, using his distraction to kick his ass and happily ignoring his squawk of outrage.

Hell _yeah_ she was earning her paycheck. Though even better than the bonus she got for "playing Cupid" was the fact that Tony now referred to her by her first name. That was definitely a win in her books.


	3. Clint (and kind of) Natasha

Almost a month went by, and routines were established. Tony and Bruce were dating now, though they said they were taking it slow, and Jane and Thor seemed as enamored with each other as ever. She'd worked an awards system with the scientists- if they made big breakthroughs, they got hand-baked goods of their choice, no matter what time it was they made said discovery. This was the reason she was up at four a.m., making the dough for the cinnamon rolls Bruce had requested upon discovering an anomaly in one of Tony's equations that once fixed had set off a domino chain of discoveries.

She was mixing dough together and humming to herself wearily when some deeply buried instinct alerted her that she wasn't alone. She looked up to find Clint sitting on the end of the counter, eyes fixed on her assessingly. Only prior experience prevented her from crying out, or rushing to give him a hug. He only fixated on her so early when something was wrong- she’d learned that the hard way in New Mexico. It was best to keep him busy when he got like this.

"Hands." she said, because honestly, it was far too early for verbose conversation, and he turned, looking lost, to go clean his hands. 

"Can Tasha help to?" he inquired, which is, of course, when she noticed they weren't alone. She made brief eye contact with a redhead who had no right to be that beautiful at this God awful hour, and shrugged.

“Sure, so long as she…”too tired to finish her sentence (they’d been working hard with little sleep for almost a week now) she gestured at her _Respect the Cook Biatches_ apron and made a noise she hoped conveyed that Clint was in charge of imparting the rules of her kitchen to the pretty stranger before returning to mixing up the dough. They worked in companionable silence for a good fifteen minutes as she finished making the dough and they made the cinnamon sugar mixture. Once the dough was made, she portioned it into halves before saying “Knead” and heading to her room. Clearly whatever was frustrating him would take more than kneading dough to work out of him, and she needed supplies.

*

They'd been on a spectacularly hellish mission and had come home to discover that during their absence, their stuff had been moved to Stark Tower, SHIELD had washed it's hands of them and Clint's husband was _not_ dead, only recovering from a near fatal chest injury in SHIELD's infirmary. To say that they'd been stressed was quite the understatement, but they'd forged on to Stark's Tower in hopes of finding a place to sleep. What they'd found was much, much better, because Jane's Intern/now formally employed assistant was in the communal kitchen JARVIS had directed them to, and she was making cinnamon rolls. Even better, she didn't ask any questions, she just put them to work in an utterly adorable exhausted fashion. As they were kneading dough (visualizing murdering Fury was much less harmful when he wasn't around), she disappeared and Natasha felt a brief pang of loss. She'd liked the girl's gumption- and her Black Widow pajamas.

But the girl returned in less than a half hour, with damp hair and lugging a box that seemed to be filled with makeup and movies. 

"That's enough," she declared, sounding much more awake (which Natasha attributed to the damp hair- showers could be very invigorating). "Let it rise, and we'll have a proper sleepover."

"With makeovers and bad movies?" Clint asked hopefully.

"Duh." she said, sounding offended, before turning to Natasha. "Hi, I'm Darcy Lewis."

"Natasha Romanov," she said. "Can I do your hair?" She waited for Darcy to say no- after all, judging by the look on Darcy's face, she'd recognized her full name, but Darcy surprised her by agreeing. 

It was very early in their acquaintance for her to be making such decisions, but as her hands slid through Darcy's hair and started massaging her scalp (causing Darcy to rest her head on Natasha's thigh, thus making her even more vulnerable) she decided she _liked_ Darcy. And not solely because she trusted her, but also because she insisted they watch _Pushing Daisies_ which introduced Natasha and Clint to the wonders of Kristin Chenowith in a show that wasn't _Glee_.

Yes, Natasha Romanov liked Darcy Lewis very much.

*

The Black Widow was braiding her hair. 

The _Black Widow_ was _braiding her hair._ Ever since Clint's diatribe on how his husband and his best friend needed to "stop being so damn heroic all the time, 'cause they make me _worry_ and _care_ and I don't _do_ that any more," Darcy had been a fan girl. She hadn't been able to find out that much about Natasha except for that one of her aliases, Natalie Rushman had worked for Tony for a while before "literally stabbing me in the neck Darcy, spiders are _evil_ ", but she was a fan nonetheless and was more than happy to sport the Black Widow merch the Avengers PR team had cooked up. And now the woman was braiding her hair. 

Of course, there was still whatever was on Clint's mind, so she used the opportunity presented when her head was turned gently towards him (so that Natasha could braid more hair), and opened one eye and fixed him with a Look. 

"Spill."

He grabbed one of her hands and started to paint her nails purple. "My husband's not dead."

Crap. That was news. And it was far too early to process the implications so... "Agent Tazertots has been resurrected? Has the last day come and gone?" Oh yeah, real smooth Lewis, real smooth. Thankfully, Clint snorted.

"Maybe. There've been so many apocoly that it's entirely possible that the Day of Resurrection has come and gone without even a 'how do you do'. But he wasn't resurrected- he just had a near death experience that Fury used to motivate us into kicking ass. He _allowed_ this, Darcy. He knows how much I worry about his wellbeing, and he _OK'ed_ a decision to leave me in the dark about the fact that he was _alive._ " His grip tightened and he visibly swallowed. "I...I don't know how to _trust_ him anymore."

Thank _fuck_ , she knew _exactly _how to respond to that.__

"Fuck _that _shit Clint, _he_ fucked up."__

"Well, technically, it was Fury who made the call..." he hedged.

"That's bull fucking _shit_ , and you know it. Listen here sweetie- _he is your **husband**_ and if he loves you, _he will learn to fucking prove it_. It is _not_ your responsibility to just trust that this was decision was made for your "best", or the team's "best." It _is_ **his** responsibility to earn back your fucking trust."

"Yeah, I guess..."

"You _guess?_ " she shrieked, jerking up angrily, and hissing in pain at the tug on her hair. "You fucking _guess?_ Oh my _God_ sweetie, what has he _done_ to you? You were so self-assured in New Mexico."

"A mental mind fuck by a Asgardian Trickster God is _more_ than enough to fuck up a man's confidence."

She blinked at him for a second, then allowed Natasha's gentle tug to place her head into it's desired position. "...You _do_ realize you just quoted _Rocky Horror_ , right? Oh, good. Anyways..." she took a second to regather her thoughts.

"Clint, you do _not_ deserve to be treated like that by _anyone._ And he can go _fuck_ himself if he thinks he can get away with it."

Natasha chuckled. "I told that идиот* all of this the second we found out Phil wasn't actually dead."

"See? Sexy spider here agrees, that's two against one. Deep down, y'know we're right." He seemed to be processing what she'd said, and they sat there watching another two episodes, during which her nails dried, she did his nails and he painted her toenails. Natasha stopped braiding in the middle of episode three, but kept massaging Darcy's scalp, and both assassins seemed really interested in what was happening on the screen. At the end of the episode, she put the cinnamon sugar mixture on the pastry dough and put the rolls in the oven. While she was mixing up the icing, Clint wrapped his arms around her waist and squeezed, burying his nose in her hair and breathing in deeply. "Thanks Darc." he mumbled, and next thing she knew, she was left in the kitchen with Natasha. "You're welcome," she called, certain that JARVIS would alert him if he was no longer in the hearing vicinity.

"Wanna watch another episode?"

The Black Widow smiled. "Only if you let me lick the spoon after the frosting's done."

"Deal."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies if I got any of the particular of Christianity wrong- I relied on Wikipedia as a source, which I know is not the best idea, so feel free to leave me any corrections
> 
> * moron, idiot
> 
> Here's what I imagine Darcy's hair ended up looking like: https://www.google.com/search?q=braided+hairstyles+for+long+hair&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hl=en&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&ei=6eT_UdSiMaSXigL1roGIAQ&biw=1438&bih=715&sei=7uT_UbDRAeOQiALonoGAAQ#facrc=_&imgdii=_&imgrc=wirjl47n1cd7nM%3A%3B57ZIRY4SBAMk4M%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252F1.bp.blogspot.com%252F-NwJrOemziLY%252FTzZ1yntg_TI%252FAAAAAAAAEnA%252FnmpJ35Ok-bM%252Fs1600%252Famazing-hairstyle-different-braids-bun-blonde-colored-purple-pink-maron-french-braid-flower-braid-long-hair%252B(33).jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.shexists.com%252F2012%252F02%252F100-amazing-hairstyles.html%3B480%3B720


	4. Captain America

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to everyone who has commented, left a kudos or bookmarked this work! 
> 
> NOTE: All info on homeopathic asthma remedies came from here http://health.howstuffworks.com/wellness/natural-medicine/home-remedies/home-remedies-for-asthma3.htm . I have no clue if they actually work, feedback on such is welcome.

Around the time that she'd called the Black Widow a sexy spider and lived to tell the tale, Darcy Lewis made an executive decision to stop having expectations out of life. _Clearly_ she'd been taken to some strange, but wonderful universe where superheroes befriended the likes of her. She _totally_ blamed Stark for the fact that in said alternate universe, personal assistants such as herself were asked out on dates by lethally gorgeous assassins like Natasha Romanov. Because of this strange, wondrous gift, she firmly resolved to be patient with the scientists needs, even _if_ Tony called on her at any given time for any given reason, like the incident where she'd been phoned while on a date because he'd found out Bruce was allergic to persimmons, and he couldn't remember what persimmons were, but she had to make sure there were none in the house _right now._ She'd taken an almost perverse pleasure in hanging up on him and ignoring his next several phone calls and texts about the issue, relatively sure that JARVIS had had the issue resolved the second Bruce had uttered the words " I'm allergic to persimmons" out loud. Even _then_ she was patient, because Tony was paying her a _lot_ of money to do a shit job that she actually _enjoyed._

Sometimes, especially when an experiment went wrong, she regretted this vow of patience. Like right now, for instance. She'd finally gotten to bed at a reasonable hour, and was sound asleep when someone knocked on the door. She would've slept right through it, but her lights suddenly switched on. "JARVIS, what the hell?" she mumbled, rolling over to heck her cell, groaning again at the discover that it was one a.m. Seriously, what did Tony have against a good night's sleep?

"My apologies Ms. Lewis, but there was an incident in the lab, and Captain Rogers is in need of your assistance."

 _That_ woke her up. What on _Earth_ had happened that made _Captain Freakin' America_ require _her_ assistance? Cursing, she stumbled around, shoving on some Pajama pants and grabbing her glasses. The door slid open upon her approach to reveal a skinny young man leaning against her doorframe, wheezing for breath. Reacting instinctivly, she braced him against her right before his knees gave out, and slowly lowered him to the floor. Mind racing to wake up enough to remember the first aide classes she'd taken back in Junior High, she concluded it was either an asthma attack or a panic attack. He seemed to be alright with her hugging him, so she took great care to keep her breathing even and deep, and her voice calm.

"Hi hun, I'm Darcy."

"Steve -wheeze- Rogers,-wheeze- Ma'am."

Wait. _This_ was Captain America? She'd been under the impression that he was more muscled, and all badass. Maybe he had a Hulk-like transformation?

"Nice to meet you Steve. Can you tell me what happened?"

"Was -wheeze- called back -wheeze- for a -wheeze- confrontation -wheeze- with Loki, ma'am. Got hit -wheeze- with a spell which, -wheeze- when combined -wheeze- with Stark's obsession -wheeze- with getting me drunk..." he was wheezing too much to finish that sentence, but she could hypothesized that the combination of spell and Science! had resulted in a recession to his pre-Serum state. Fuck _everything_ Stark held dear, she couldn't believe he'd be _that_ reckless. Science! and magic _rarely_ mixed well, and he knew it. Mother of a _duck_ that man would _pay_.

"Is this a panic attack?"

"No ma'am, -wheeze- asthma. Dr. -wheeze- Strange said it would -wheeze- wear off in a couple of -wheeze- days but..." Once again his sentence trailed off and she surmised that he a) didn't have an inhaler and b) wasn't familiar enough with the communal kitchen to cook up whatever homeopathic cures for asthma they'd had in the '40's. Luckily for him, she did.

"JARVIS, could you pull up an electronic list of homeopathic asthma remedies in the kitchen please?"

"Already done Ms. Lewis."

"Thanks J, you're the best." A happy sounding chime was the only response as she piggy-backed Steve into the Kitchen. She scanned the list of remedies JARVIS pulled up, and came up with a game plan. 

"OK Steve, I need you to take the deepest breaths you possibly can for me. JARVIS, could you pull up the _Princess Bride_ please? Steve, I'd like you to concentrate on the movie, and on breathing deeply. Where did I put my peppermint extract...?"

She ended up not getting any more sleep, and staid up all night working to make sure his wheezing was at least _manageable_. Around nine, Agent Not So Dead and Pepper arrived, and took charge, putting Steve on a gurney and wheeling him away. Agent P even went to far as to apologize for the wait, but she waived it off with a tired smile. Honestly, her job parameters had expanded the second she'd realized assassins were as prone to forgetting life's necessities as scientists were, what was one more superhero under her care? Nothing really. She _was_ exhausted though, 'cause the adrenaline finally wore off, so she stumble to her couch and fell asleep.

She found out that evening that Steve had somehow arranged for her to be updated on his condition, so for the next couple of days she heard about how his "condition was stabilized" and then how "he has returned to his post serum physique, but has some signs of pre-serums conditions, so we're keeping him monitored." It was reassuring, she guessed, to have the knowledge that he was doing OK, but also troubling because he hadn't bounced back to a hundred percent the way they'd thought he would.

If there was one thing she refused to do, it was to dwell on how uneasy his condition made her and she did her best to act normally. The really sad part was that it actually _worked_ , despite the fact that she was surrounded by super spies, analytical specialists and scientists who could be eerily insightful when they wished to be. And almost a week after the asthma attack, Steve was released from medical care, and she took a day off to celebrate.

She was back from spending the day trolling the cities many "nerd stores" as recommended by JARVIS, and was just unloading her purchases when there was a knock on the door. It slid open to reveal the Captain America she knew from television, dressed in normal clothing and holding a bouquet of tulips. "Hello Ms. Lewis, I wanted to thank you for taking care of me when I was sick."

She felt a smile form despite herself. He was just so _sweet._

"Thanks Steve, and please, call me Darcy. Would you like to come in?"

"I'd love to, thanks."

Oh yeah, she was _definitely_ somewhere in Oz these days, and not _remotely_ anywhere near Kansas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And whoops, forgot to mention that Steve insisted he'd be fine, and honestly thought he wouldn't be sick anymore in his pre-serum body cause he's an idiot. He went to Darcy because JARVIS thought she'd be most suited to help Steve at the time.


	5. Bruce/Hulk Part 1

She was absolutely certain that'd they'd been in the labs for _days_ . There were no windows in the lab, so it was hard to tell if it was day or night, but she did know that it was Shit O'Clock, whether or _not_ the wee hours of the morning had already passed. All hand were on deck- even Steve, Thor, Clint and Tasha had been given jobs to do because the code had been cracked, and all three scientists knew that they could (and would) repair the Bifrost. The positive energy her charges exuded was contagious, but at heart she was a _political_ scientist, and was delegated to transcribing data and making coffee. This task, usually something she considered so a waste of her time that she delegated it to the bots, was something she was more than willing to do at this hour.

_Caffeine is my life's blood- it is essential to my survival, and to that of my people. _Oooh, that was a good quote, she'd have to remember that one.__

Speaking of her people, Bruce was next to her, also eyeing the percolator with an almost predatory gleam to his eye. He wasn't usually interested in coffee- he'd always preferred tea, and he often said too much caffeine aggravated the Hulk. Well she'd met the Hulk, and is was her humble opinion that any rage monster that loved kittens and bubble baths to the degree that Hulk did would not be too aggravated by caffeine. Besides, Bruce was in a relationship with the closest person to the living example of caffeine embodied that she'd ever met. She was 80% sure he used the "it might irritate my alter ego" excuse too liberally, just to get out of things he didn't like to do (scientists were sneaky like that), such as drinking coffee. However, much like his strange dislike of rubber bands and his hatred for non-organic produce, his caffeine aversion was set-aside for Science! She didn’t judge him though. Jane set aside _orgasms_ for Science! for fucks sake.

The percolator glowed lightly to show the coffee was done being brewed, and due to force of habit, she started making people's most invigorating favorites. As she was deftly adding chocolate syrup and cinnamon to a cup for Jane (and the fact that she worked at Starbucks during college and thus was the reason she knew how to make their favorites was the reason she didn't make coffee), she took inventory of his body. He seemed troubled. With the calm patience she'd cultivated during her employment she asked calmly "Is there anything I can help you with Dr. Banner? It's just that you seem troubled."

He side eyeballed her, and she fought not to yawn. Mother of pearl, she was _tired_. "Actually yes. Do you mind if we could speak privately?"

If it hadn't been Shit O'Clock on Day- Who-The-Fuck-Remembers of Rebuild the Bifrost actuality, she would've been alarmed. See, Bruce like to have conversations in small crowds, to remind himself of the damage he could do to others if he indulged his urge to Hulk out. He'd gotten a lot less uneasy as Hulk had bonded with the team, but this was definitely out of character. His nervous fidgeting? Now that was the Dr. Banner she'd gotten to know.

"Er...uh...I was wondering..." He fumbling with his glasses and looked so utterly, and adorably at lost that she took pity on him.

"Yes?"

"I was wondering, er...that is, would you mind giving the Other Guy a pep talk?"

_What?_

Bless the men, he just kept on talking. "You see, I'm planning on asking Tony if we can officially move in together, y'know, share his penthouse, and I'm a little nervous, but the Other Guy, he's _really_ nervous about the idea, and I can't get him to tell me why," "Yes" "so I was wondering if you could talk to him, cause he likes you, something about small purr purr, and wait, _what_ did you say?"

"I said yes." He blinked almost owlishly at her (his resemblance to a screech owl was eerie) before grinning nervously. "Oh. Oh that's good. Uh... Can you go to the hall, and he'll call you in when he's ready?" 

"Sure," she said, with a calm smile. The second she was out of the room, she let the panic that had been welling up set in.

 _Holy shit_ , she was gonna give a pep talk to the _Hulk_.

How was this her life? Clearly she'd taken some left when she should've taken a right in Oz and was fuck-knows-where, 'cause she was planning on following through with this.

She didn't have too much time for this tired existential crisis, because next thing she knew, the familiar voice of the Hulk called out her name. "Coming Buddy!" she called in response, took a deep fortifying breath and squared her shoulders. 

She had a pep talk to give.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost at the end! Many thanks to those who have commented, left kudoses and bookmarked this work. 'Tis much appreciated.
> 
> I originally planned to post the Bruce/Hulk part as a whole, but my vertigo is acting up as I scroll more than a page. So for the sake of my health, it has been broken into two parts.


	6. Bruce/Hulk Part 2

Hulk was worried. Tin Man had been kissing Bruce and Hulk wanted _out_ and next thing he knew, he was being shoved away.

Did Tin Man not like Hulk? He'd thought they were friends, but maybe they weren't? He thought of Tin Man's smile, and his laugh, and his chest ached.

He'd been very happy to make a friend.

 _Friends._ After all, Puny God II, Hawk, Shield and Sunglasses were all his friends. Even _Red_ was his friend now, but Tin Man had been the first one he'd ever made who could talk, so Tin Man was his Favorite.

Cat was his second favorite.

He'd first met Cat when he'd smashed into the Tower. There was screaming, and some people shot at him with their puny weapons. He hadn't really been happy with that, but there was an enemy to smash, and he liked smashing enemies. Only, while he was smashing enemies, he'd smashed her ceiling in. He'd landed in front of her with a startled roar, and had stood there transfixed, looking at the moving screen.

_Kitties._

Hulk liked animals. Elliephants were his favorite, but Kitties were nice too, with their purr purrs.

_And these ones were Hulk size._

Something hit him on the shoulder, and he turned to glare at whatever it was. Couldn't they see he was watching the kitties? Cat had only glared back at him. 

"Hulk. I'd love to hang out, but don't you have Doom Boots to smash?"

Oh.

Right.

But _kitties_.

"If you take care of the bots, I promise to pull up the Big Cat Rescue youtube page for a cute off OK?" He was skeptical, because promises had been made before and broken, but he went to smash the enemy as she'd asked.

He'd been honestly surprised when she'd found him after all the bots were smashed, and they'd watched the kitties for over an hour before he'd reluctantly let Banner come back out.

So of course he was going to ask _her_ for advice when Tin Man was unavailable.

"Tin Man no love Hulk."

*

Apparently Hulk needed relationship advice. Once again, Darcy wondered at the fact that this was her life- after all, Hulk seemed like a very confident guy. But when it came to Tony, he was like a tween dealing with their first romantic relationship, all insecurity and unease.

Oh shit. 

He was like a _tween_ experiencing with their first romantic relationship. Fuck, that's _exactly_ what he was. Well, she'd been a tween once, and she'd witnessed the tweenage of her cousins. Somehow, she didn't think watching the Breakfast Club while bitching about parents was going to help in this situation, but she knew the basics. Rub his back, assure him he was pretty and say that purple was _so_ his color.

Wait. That wouldn't work either.

Rubbing his back was OK..."JARVIS, can you pull up the Big Cats with Pumpkins video?"

"Certainly Ms. Lewis."

They sat for a bit, watching the cats play, and slowly, he relaxed. 

"Y'know Tony likes you right?"

"Tin Man likes Banner."

"Tin Man likes you _both_." she retorted.

"Hulk know that Cat not stupid. Tin Man push Hulk _away_. Hulk just wanted a _hug_."

She couldn't help it- she wrapped her arms around him and squeezed. "You can always hug _me_ , Hulk." 

Gently, he patted her head. Then he sighed. "Not _same._ "

Oh yeah. He was a tween with a crush all right.

"I know it's not the same,hun, but it's a step in the right direction, right?"

He pondered this for a bit, eyes fixated on the tiger that was rolling around in catnip. "Makes _better._ "

"I hate to say this Big Guy, but you're gonna have to talk to Tony about this."

He sighed again. "Hulk know you're right Cat. But Hulk also _scared._ "

"Y'know what you should do with fear Hulk?"

He eyed her questioningly, and she grinned. 

"Smash it."

*

When Hulk retreated back into Bruce (sufficiently full of pep, she hoped), she was there. With the ease of practice (superheroes didn't get sick often, but when they did, they were out for the count), she maneuvered him onto the floor, resting his head on her lap. She was coming her fingers through his hair and lazily pondering whether Tony would let her move her cat, Duke Humphrey of Felinus, into the Tower when he came to. 

"How're you doing sunshine?"

He grimaced at the nickname, but didn't ask her to stop, so she started massaging his scalp, waiting for an answer.

"OK, I guess. Did the talk help at all?"

"I like to think so. You're gonna have to let him talk to Tony though." 

He shrugged, accepting her matter-of-fact statement with an ease that wouldn't have been present two months ago. 

_He's accepting that Hulk is capable of differentiating between friend and foe_ she realized, and she'd never been so proud. This definitely deserved some sort of reward after she got some sleep.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Course you can."

"D'you think me and Tony'll work out, y'know, in the long run?" 

She gave this question some honest thought, sensing that Bruce really wanted her honest opinion. After some careful thought, she gave it to him.

"Yeah, I do." 

They were _good_ for each other in ways that most couples weren't, and in a way she hoped she and Natasha _were_. 

"Good. I do to." he started drifting off again, but right before he did, he fixed his eyes on hers, eyes conveying his sincerity. "You're a good friend."

Damn _right _she was.__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more to go!


	7. + Darcy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: this chapter contains illness and the suffering of those affected by it. there is also mention of a panic attack. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
> 
>  _Many_ apologies for the long wait, I _really_ haven't been in good health, but I feel much better.
> 
> I promise a happy ending?

Darcy was pretty good at compartmentalizing her emotions, but the stress over her girlfriend and her friends possibly getting killed? Yeah, she was _shit_ at compartmentalizing that. So instead she distracted herself with whatever she could, baking, sewing, cleaning, filing- anything, until she was so tired her body gave out without any fuss. Currently she was watching _Firefly_ for the zillionth time and steadfastly _not thinking about it._ She was in the middle of admiring Nathan Fillion's fine ass when the couch started vibrating. Immediately her heart started racing and she scramble to retrieve her phone, and answered it with a breathless "Hello?"

"Dare Bear?"

She let out a relieved sigh. It was only her stepfather, Dave. Dave was safe, even if she hated his nicknames.

"What's up?"

"I'm afraid I have some bad news button."

_Shit._

"What is it? Did something happen to Mom?"

"No, pumpkin, nothing _that_ bad. It's just the cat."

And with those last four words, Darcy Lewis' carefully compartmentalized world came crashing down.

*

They were _finally_ heading home after ten excruciatingly long hours of smashing Skrulls. They were in the Quinjet on the way home from Arizona of all places, and were looking forward to long baths and going to bed, with or without a significant other. From the relaxed, comradic atmosphere, it was hard to believe that three years ago, they may have bonded over saving the world, but they didn't really like each other. There'd been a few exceptions of course- he and Tony had hit it off almost instantly, Thor (once he'd seen them in action) had declared them to be "noble warriors worthy of the affection and blessing of Asgard", and Clint and Natasha had been friends for years. It'd taken awhile for him to consider everyone on the team as not only friends, but family, and he placed a good chunk of the blame on movie nights, a desensitization to nudity, Darcy, and more shared battles. He rumbled in pleasure at the sensation of fingers running through his hair, and felt Steve's responding chuckle. Life was so much better than his life had ever been before, even before the other guy, and was so much better than he'd hoped when he was a kid. For the first time since his mom had died he had a _home_ , one he was looking forward to getting to so he and his boyfriend could eat with their friends, and then go to bed. _I wonder what Darcy made this time_ he wondered as the Quinjet landed. They did a quick debrief with Coulson, and then they all headed back to the Tower.

Happy was on vacation, so SHIELD offered them a ride. Tony sneered at the nondescript vehicle, but they didn't really have a choice, so they all piled in, Clint perching on Steve's lap, and Natasha reclining on Thor's (cause SHIELD might have SUV's, but even SUV's strained to hold all of the Avengers). They'd just pulled out of SHIELD's garage when their phones started buzzing. Tony was of course the first to pull his out, and once he looked at the screen, he immediately started cursing, causing for the members of the team who had phones, to scramble for theirs. Not giving them enough time to figure out what was going on, he leaned forward and tapped the partition (cause of course SHIELD SUV's came with partitions). When it slid down, he fixed the junior agent who was driving them with his best Natasha glare. "Get. Us. Home." he enunciated very slowly. " _Now._ "

"Tony, wha-" Steve began to say, but Tony just handed him his phone, causing him to curse when he saw what all of them were now seeing- a looped time lapse video on their screens, marked URGENT. They watched as Darcy got a phone call, dropped her phone, and went _spastic_. Bruce _knew_ it was time lapse, but in the space of four hours, Darcy _ruined_ her impeccable kitchen, set three things on fire, lugged out a suitcase, only to leave it empty and eventually collapsed on the ground, leaving Dummy (who'd appeared at the second fire, armed with fire extinguisher) to whirl around her, trying to fix what was wrong, and failing. The clip ended with Darcy lying supine on the floor, Dummy running his claw gently over her head, and then it would restart.

It was utterly _devastating_ to watch. He'd _never_ seen Darcy like this, _ever_. Darcy was warmth, smiles and good cooking, she wasn't...whatever this was. He examined the video closely, noting that Clint and Natasha were doing the same, assessing the damage. "It looks like a panic attack," he said, slowly (after all, he wasn't that sort of doctor) "JARVIS, do you happen to know what might have happened to trigger it?"

"It pains me to say this Dr. Banner, but I am unsure. Ms. Lewis experiences a great deal of stress while you're on missions. I can tell you from monitoring her heart rate that she was slightly panicked when her phone rang, then her heart rate settles slightly, and then elevated again. I was not listening in on her call, as none of the danger words were spoken, and she asked me not to monitor unless they were."

This inspired a stony silence as they mulled over the revelations it inspired. Since when did _Darcy_ have _danger words?_ And she'd never seemed worried when they'd left...only when they...came...back.

"ебать*."spat Natasha.

Yeah.

ебать.

*

She wasn't sure how long she'd been lying on the floor. She knew it'd been a while, cause she'd stopped crying, and she was freezing, but she didn't know what time it was, or even if it was the same day.

"Ms. Lewis, the Avengers will be here in less than an hour. Myself and the bots will be here to keep you company, alright? Please tell me one of you're delightful stories, so that I know you can hear me." Shakily, she did, and she was still fucking _cold_ , but an hour must have passed, because suddenly Natasha was lying next to her. "возлюбленный*," she said gently, hand coming towards Darcy's face, only to freeze suddenly. "возлюбленный, what's wrong."

 _My best friend of twelve years has a lump on his leg that might be cancer and my parents are planning on putting him to sleep without even testing the lump_ , she thought, but what came out was "'M cold, and I c'n't stop shakin'"

_Oh yeah, real smooth._

"Do you mind if Steve hugs you?" came Bruce's voice, and no, why would she mind that? Gently, Natasha stroked her face, and then she was gone, and Darcy was being lifted. "Darce." said Steve calmly, "Can you breathe with me?"

"Oh, the irony," she muttered, before trying to do what he said.

"Darcy, can you take this for me?" said Bruce, offering her a tiny pill and a glass of water. She took the pill easily enough, but her hands shook too much for her to hold the glass. Her gloriously wonderful girlfriend held it for her, and she gulped it down.

"Darcy, can you tell us what happened, or do you need some more time?"

Everything came out- how her parents had gotten divorced and her dad got custody, how he'd gotten cancer, but his ex-wife was so embittered by the loss of her status as a good mother she wouldn't answer any of Darcy's many attempts to contact her, how that had left Darcy to take care of her dad alone and how the last thing he'd done before his death was to get her a kitten. That kitten was her rock as she was shipped to boarding school and college, and it'd pained her to leave him behind, but Tony didn't let animals that weren't the Avengers stay in the tower for more than a week. She understood that, she did, because if it was left up to the likes of Thor and Steve, they'd be eligible for an episode of _Hoarders_ , but Duke Humphrey of Felinus was her _baby_ , and he had a lump on his leg, and if she didn't _do_ something, he'd be _dead._ So she was at a loss, she really was.

"Don't worry Friend Darcy," Thor rumbled gently. "You do not need to worry anymore. Myself and my fellow warriors, we will fix this for you, in the name of justice." At the other's nods of agreement, she nearly sobbed in relief.

They might need help at the shittiest times of day, but they were there for her when she needed it, and she appreciated that. There was just _one_ small problem...

"B'fore we set out, y're gonna need t'know somethin' abou' my 'rents..."

*

This was the third time they'd been in the air today, and their second time in a plane, but Steve couldn't make himself feel guilty about it. When they'd gotten to the Tower, Darcy had been pale, shaking and sick with anxiety. Now, tears were rolling down her cheeks, but she was _smiling_ again, and it was all thanks to the cat that was sitting on her lap, purring away.

He couldn't _believe_ that those people were Darcy's parents. Quite frankly, he wasn't sure they were fit to be parents at all. He was still trying to figure out how such a swell dame as Darcy had come from parents like _that_. After just one meeting with the two of them, he was sure he never wanted to see them ever again. 

_They'd walked in the door, and a man had come to greet them. "Darcy Larcy, how're you babe? You're looking...healthy." he'd said, with a pointed look at her stomach. "What're you doing here bunny? And who are your friends?"_

_"I'm here for the cat Dave. And my friends can introduce themselves, if they want." She'd meandered off, looking very uncomfortable. He couldn't blame her- even **Thor** knew that commenting on someones weight wasn't O.K. That man's tone had **not** been friendly, even when he'd greeted her. He sounded like a lawyer. His wife had been worse. She'd come downstairs to meet them, with a saccharine sweet smile until Natasha had introduced herself as Darcy's girlfriend. Then the smile had disappeared, and she'd rolled her eyes. "I was **sure** she'd outgrow that by now" she'd muttered. "One doesn't simply 'outgrow' bisexuality mother," said Darcy, sounding tired. She was carrying an empty cat carrier, so he supposed she was still looking for the cat. "Tasha and I have been in a relationship for almost two years. I've told you we're dating before." "Yeah, but you never mentioned she was **hot**." her stepfather said. "What your father means to say, Darcy, is that we're very supportive of your relationship with another woman (really?), but she's **very** attractive." "Much more attractive than you sweetheart," chuckled Dave, and wow, he didn't like either of them. What was the worse was Darcy's response. She smiled sadly and shrugged. "I know."_

_"Found the cat!" called Clint, and they'd left as fast as they could, refusing the invitation to stay for lunch and a chat._

She looked so much _happier_ with the cat, but _someone_ had to talk to her about Humphrey's medical condition, and it might as well be him. "Darcy, maybe it'd be best for him if you put him down. That lump looks _really_ bad." He expected her to get mad, but she just smiled the same sad smile from before. "I know. But I want to get the lump tested though, see if there's any chance of saving him. If not, at least he'll be with me, and not with _them._ " He couldn't really find any fault in that logic, so he just leaned back in his chair and thought about her smile for the rest of the flight. This felt _damn_ good.

*

When Darcy woke up, it felt like she was finally at home. Humphrey was here, her girlfriend and friends were relatively unharmed, and life was good. Sure, Natasha had chosen to sleep in her own room for the first time since she'd moved herself in about six months ago, and Humphrey was clearly sick, but life was good. Tony had lined up an appointment with a vet in a couple of hours, Coulson was finishing all of her paperwork, Thor was helping Jane finish her exploring of the newly repaired Bifrost so that she could head back for a girl's night, Pepper wanted to go shopping, Clint was cleaning her kitchen, Bruce was coming with her to the vet and Steve and Tasha were helping Clint. Every time she tried to do something, someone took it out of her hands, while also being there to be emotional support.

The last time they'd been this supportive, they'd ruined her kitchen beyond repair and she'd had to wait two months before being able to use it again (this was why no Science! was allowed in her kitchen), but she was really trying not to hold that against them right now. They were being nice and that was really sweet. 

*

Darcy danced into the living room, dragging a resigned Humphrey with her. "It's not cancer!" she shouted "It's a benign lipoma, and it needs to get removed, but it's not cancer! He's going to be OK!"

"That is good news indeed! I shall join you in your celebratory dance! Let us _all_ join her!"

Though the Press would try their hardest, they never found out that the infamous Avengers dance party of '16 started because the assistant's cat didn't have cancer.

*

After the happy news about Humphrey's test results and the following dance party (during which even Coulson danced, had in fact, grinded against Clint's ass, and wasn't it nice that they got along better these days?), Darcy, went back to her room. Bruce had requested Humphrey for the night, because Tony had to go to a conference right after the dance party, and he needed the company.

She _completely_ understood. After all, she missed her girlfriend. So she handed her cat over with a firm command to be good, to which he responded with a purr, and prepared for a night alone with her vibrator, and some nice fantasies. When she got to her room, she changed into her pajamas and turned off the light, got into bed and started making herself comfortable. She was just about to prep her vibrator when the light flicked back on. 

Natasha was standing at the foot of the bed, and she was wearing _lingerie_. Tasha _never_ wore lingerie unless she was on an op, and Darcy was OK with that because Tasha was _damn_ sexy without it. This just _accentuated_ the sexyness.

"So," Tasha purred. "You don't think you're сексуальный* enough for me? Well, I'm going to prove to you that you are."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *fuck  
> *sweetheart  
> *sexy  
> Bruce gave Darcy some Lorazapam. Don't ask me why he had lorazapam, he just did.


End file.
